back to the mathematicians
by callmesandy
Summary: Post ep for s4 to date (specifically 4.11 through 4.17). She digs a hole, Kensi thinks, she fills it up. (Kensi/Deeks)


NOTES: don't own, no profit garnered. Title from Amy Rigby's song, Magicians. Thanks to sfa and J for beta!

a. Drive

January 2013. 2 days before his birthday, 12 days before she thought his birthday was, they had sex for the last time. She watched him sleep with her fists clenched. She'd been angry since New Year's. She thought it might have been since Hetty told her.

Her anger was fizzy champagne bubbles, bubbling up as she watched him sleep, night after night. She rolled on her side so her back was to him. She got angry, then it burst and she was back to being scared for him. He was in danger, he didn't have her there, he could die.

She couldn't keep doing this, she thought. Not sleeping with him, whatever they were and he didn't tell her. She had a list of questions for him. How could he not tell her. What was his mother like. Wasn't he scared. What did he mean, after he got shot, when he'd asked her if the president had called, when he laughed. Why didn't he tell her he was scared. Had he slept with that model before he slept with her. What were they to each other. In words. Did he get angry with her, with life.

January 2013. "Just so you get it right on your calendar, it is now a day after my birthday," Deeks says. He sounds sanguine. He always sounds sanguine.

Kensi rubs her hands on her thighs. She smiles and she knows it's more of a grimace. "I wanted to say, uh." she looks at her hand lying flat on the table. She is pretty sure inviting him out to dinner for this conversation was a horrible, horrible idea. She takes a deep breath. "I wanted to apologize. For yesterday."

"That seems fair," he says. He's just looking at her and she can't read his face and she is getting angry all over again.

"I don't mean forgetting your birthday," she says. She thinks she sounds pissed.

"Huh, me neither."

The waitress walks up and Deeks orders something expensive. Kensi says she'll have the same. She hasn't looked at the menu.

"If you're apologizing, why do you still sound like you're mad at me?" Deeks sits back in his seat.

"I am apologizing," she says. "I've been mad at you, I am mad at you. But I still shouldn't have ... I was mean and that was uncalled for."

"So, I definitely agree you should apologize and if that's the apology I'm getting, then I accept that and we can move on." He doesn't look very accepting. She hates herself for being pleased that he's upset. Like she got through to him. She knows, she is sure he cares about her.

"I just." She says, "Hetty told me. About the op with Granger. And I thought you would. But you haven't. Even though, even though we are … whatever."

He says, "So your apology for being mean is that you were angry with me for not telling you about a secret op because I should have because we're, what? Dating?" She's heard that voice from him before, in interrogation and undercover. He's never really directed it at her.

She keeps her hands flat on the table because otherwise she'd strangle him. "Were you told not to tell me? I'm your partner."

"I wasn't told not to tell you, and I was not told it was okay to tell you. You could have mentioned Hetty told you instead of playing it like some test you set me up to fail." She thinks he's furious.

"It wasn't a test. I wasn't setting you up to fail. It didn't occur to me you wouldn't tell me until you were, clearly, not telling me. And then I got angry, and acted like a child, and now I am apologizing. And I do hope you accept it because I am tired of saying the word over and over again. But I will," she says.

"I said, apology accepted." Deeks closes his eyes and rubs his forehead. Then he flags down their waitress, saying "Sorry, I'm going to need that to go. She's still paying."

The waitress looks at Kensi and then says, "Okay, I'll bring it out with the check."

"That is a smart waitress," Deeks says.

Kensi says, "So, what, you didn't think we were dating. What did you think we are, we were?"

"I think we're partners. I thought we were on the way to something serious -"

"On the way," she says. She feels like shit.

"Which is obviously not what you wanted to hear."

The waitress comes back and hands them their to go boxes. Kensi hands her her card. She says, "It's fine. It's good. Now we're clear. But clearly, we should stop doing whatever we were doing and just be partners."

"That sounds like a great idea," Deeks says.

Kensi gives their waitress a very generous tip. Then they walk in silence to her car. "I'm so glad you drove," Deeks says.

She exhales. "Could be worse, you could have drove."

Deeks says, "How is that worse? Are you actually going to complain about my driving?" She tries to believe his tone is teasing.

"Are we joking now?" She keeps her eyes straight ahead. "I'm okay with that. I mean, I would like that. You're my partner, I don't want that to be over."

Deeks is quiet for a few seconds, a minute, she isn't sure. It feels like a very long time. She says, "Are you going to answer?"

"Of course we still are. Of course," he says. "That was like five seconds, Kensi."

"It felt longer," she says.

They reach his apartment and he gets out without saying goodbye. She goes home and puts her dinner in the refrigerator. She takes ice cream out of the freezer and sits on the couch. She wakes up there in the morning.

"This feels like a five mile run morning," she says to her empty apartment. "I'm going to miss Monty being here most of all, then I wasn't talking to myself."

She gets into work early but Deeks is already there. He smiles when he sees her. Like nothing ever happened.

b. Paper Soldiers

December 2012. His hand was just resting on the inside of her thigh. It was a nice side effect of sex, all the casual touching and sort of intimacy.

"Episode done," he said. "Okay, netflix recommendations roulette?"

She shrugged. She rested her head on his shoulder. "What's your favorite cop show?"

"Life," he said. "Do you want watch it?"

"I've never heard of it," she said.

"Well, we shouldn't watch it on netflix. They changed the songs in the first season episodes, it's better with the original songs."

"So you're not going to tell me what it's about?" She closed her eyes and thought about going to sleep.

"It's just, I dunno, I thought it was pretty realistic in a way. About cops. It's, uh, this cop is framed and then he's released because he's innocent and in the settlement with the city, he gets $50 million and he asks for, and gets, his badge back. That's all, I just liked it." He shifted and his hand was on her hip. He pulled her closer and she was lying on her side, his lap as a pillow.

"I never heard of it." She yawned. "Please don't let me fall asleep out here, I don't want to wake up with my face stuck to your thigh."

"You are a big drooler," he said, laughing.

He carried her like a fairytale damsel back into her bedroom and laid her on the bed.

January 2013. "Thanks for the plastic plant," Kensi says. She will put it on her window. She will stare at it, wonder what it really means. She feels stupid already.

"Not going to apologize again?" Deeks sounds more teasing than serious. She has to stop herself from resenting how easily he can slip into that.

"Hmm, let me think. You mean for implying that I didn't want you as a partner? I didn't," she says. "You remember that."

"It hurts my feelings when you say that," he says. She has no idea what's in his voice but she thinks he means it. At least a little.

"I hate when you do that," she says.

"Tell you my feelings? I thought we broke up from doing the boom chicka bow wow because I wasn't sufficiently sharing. But hey, confusing contradictory message received. Feelings from Deeks are bad and hateful."

She reaches his apartment and parks. She follows him up the street as he walks very fast with his stupid long legs. She is not thinking about him naked.

She totally is. When they reach his door, she puts her hand out to make him stop. "I didn't say I hate your feelings or you sharing your feelings. I hate when you say something and I can't tell if you fucking mean it or you're making a joke and I worry if I actually respond to you like you're not kidding you're just going to laugh at me."

"I spend a lot of time laughing at you," he says. "This sounds like a perfectly rational fear on your part." He moves her hand and opens the door. Monty is right inside the door with his leash in his mouth. "I'm being sarcastic," he says. "If you're suddenly unable to detect that."

"Fine, you think I'm being a girl or whatever," she says. Deeks doesn't close the door as he walks in but he doesn't respond to her. She watches him as he ditches his jacket and grabs a hoodie from the back of the closet. Then he walks past her with Monty on the leash.

"I'm going to wait here so we can finish talking," she says.

"Okay," he says, frowning.

She squats by his door and takes out her phone. She spends fifteen minutes trying to solve brain puzzles and can't get past the first level. Apparently, being in love literally hurts her brain. Being in love with Deeks, she thinks. She can't figure out how to move the wooden blocks, but she can definitely calculate all the ways Deeks is making her into a chicken with its head cut off.

She turns off her phone and shoves it into her pocket. She is overreacting, probably. She knows in her gut he cares about her, he's her partner, she trusts him. He definitely cares about having sex with her. And more. She's sure.

She just feels like sometimes she only knows Marty Deeks, the cover, and not the person. She wants to tell him she's been watching Life and she likes it. She would probably like it more if she didn't watch like a puzzle about Deeks. She wonders why he didn't say the show is about a cop who is into Zen and controlling his anger. Or accepting it, whatever. She thinks maybe that is the part that speaks to him. He watched it when it aired, back when he was a cop and no longer a public defender. Maybe that's a piece of the puzzle. Maybe he just thinks Sarah Shahi is totally hot. She is 100% his type.

He walks up with Monty and a cigarette in his hand. "Oh my god, you don't smoke." Monty runs up to her and starts licking her face. She says, "Poor Monty, your poor lungs."

"Really?" He rolls his eyes. "I don't, in fact, smoke. But I have, when I was undercover. Turns out last time I wore this, I had an emergency pack in here. So I indulged and Monty is totally fine. He's just fishing for attention."

"Wouldn't that emergency pack for undercover work be pretty stale? I don't remember you doing LAPD undercover for at least a year," she says. She smirks.

"Fine, you win." He walks past her into his apartment. Monty follows him. She stands in the doorway. He says, "I went on a date Saturday, she smoked, she left the pack in my hoodie. I haven't touched it in the last four days, but hey, you're here now, so why not?"

"You already started dating," she says.

"Yeah, she asked me out, I said yes. Don't worry," he says, looking at her. "Nothing happened."

"I don't really get to object if anything did," she says. "Sorry I hurt your feelings. I'm glad you're my partner."

He stays twenty feet away. She wishes he was closer to her. He says, "Good. I'll see you in the morning."

She closes the door as she turns. "You are an awful person," she tells herself as she gets in the car. "You're happy you made him smoke. Pretty low, Kensi." She's still smiling as she drives home. She puts the plant on her windowsill.

c. The Chosen One

November 2012. "Are you going to explain why you were disappointed with me?" Deeks pushed himself up onto his forearms. For cobra pose, she thought, he'd need to pull his hands back.

For some reason that week she kept thinking of everything as a yoga pose. She didn't tell him.

"I meant," she said, "what I said."

He rolled onto his side. Side plank, she thought. If he pushed up with his arm. She'd seen Deeks do a side plank, he had great form. So irritating, she thought. "Okay," he said. "I'll just chalk it up to the usual man woman thing."

"You are so sexist," she said.

"Yeah," he said. He rolled his eyes. "I'm a sexist. You're the one who buys me cat magazines and calls me a girl because I don't like cars and that makes me less of a man. That's sexist."

She rolled her eyes. "That is not," she said. "Is it?"

"No idea." He laughed. "We should have sex again. I mean, now."

She smiled.

January 2013. "We're good, I feel," she says. She is driving him home again. They haven't been commuting together as much since the horrible birthday dinner, as Kensi has named it in her head. "Right?"

"You'd get super mad if I said when we were not good, right?" He slouches in his seat a little more.

"Yes, I would," she says. "How was your date on Saturday? Smoking girl again? When you got your ailing goldfish."

"My goldfish is doing fine, thank you very much. And it wasn't actually a date. I was out with a friend and he brought his little girl."

"Why didn't you say so?" She parks two blocks from his apartment.

"You know what? This relationship is complicated enough without involving Sam or Callen. And," he says, "Also today, you punched me to show me you liked me and referred to me as your boyfriend."

"You know I like you. We had sex for 15 weeks and, really? I didn't think whether or not I liked you is in dispute." He's walking very fast again but she catches up to him easily.

"No, the dispute is in your head about me."

They're at his door again and she presses her hand against his shoulder. She says, "Can we not do this? Can we just be?"

"I was totally okay with that," he says, shifting away from her and her hand and unlocking the door. "Seems like you were the one who couldn't do it. The just being part."

She's standing in the doorway again. She says, "It hurts my feelings that you sound so casual when you're teasing me about this. And I'm not being sarcastic."

He grabs two beers from the refrigerator and walks over to her. "I'm sorry. I know I keep reacting in ways you don't appreciate. But come in and have a beer with me anyway."

She takes the beer and sits on the other side of the couch from him. Monty jumps up and sits between them. She scratches Monty's head as he drools his happiness on her jeans. Deeks flips through channels until he gets to an ANTM rerun on Oxygen. She says, "Is this a peace offering?"

"True story: I am never joking about liking you," he says. "Also, I love Dani's season. She is gorgeous."

"Yes, she is," Kensi says. They each have a beer, then they each have a second. Monty decides he'd rather be on his very expensive dog bed. "You paid more for his bed than yours," she says.

"Sure, but he's a hero. He puts up with me." They're sitting right next to each other at this point. Tyra is lecturing Dani about her accent.

"What kind of hero does that make me?"

He pushes his hair back and looks at her. She is pretty sure she knows what that look is. She says, "I know you like me."

"Good," he says. "I do."

At some point during the final episode they're kissing. She thinks he started it but maybe she did. She doesn't care. She unbuttons her jeans and wiggles her way out of them. They're not talking. It's the only time they're ever had sex without talking.

She's missed him so much.

She goes to the bathroom after and walks out to the couch. "Where are you?"

"In the bedroom, I'll be out in a second." She sits down on the couch and closes her eyes.

When she wakes up, she's still naked but lying on her side on the couch, with a pretty soft blanket over her. It's dark outside. She realizes Deeks is standing over her. He kisses her and says, "I've got to go. Walk Monty for me?"

"Where are you going?"

He's already at the door. "I've got a thing."

Granger, she thinks. Please don't die, she thinks. She falls back asleep.

d. Kill House

October 2012. The second time they had sex it took forever. She loved it. She also loved it was the weekend and they could take all night. She woke up in the morning sore and scared. She wasn't stupid. She knew very well she was in love with Deeks. Kensi strongly suspected Deeks felt, if not the same, at least very fond of her. She rubbed her forehead and opened her eyes.

He wasn't in bed. She'd driven to his place because he'd mentioned Monty waiting for him at home. At one point, they'd stopped and Deeks had walked Monty. At another point, she'd half woken up and Monty had been snoring and draped over her thigh. He was a surprisingly heavy dog.

She heard the front door opening and looked for her gun. She couldn't find it. Luckily, it was Deeks and Monty.

This was the point, she thought. She looked at Deeks smiling, pulling off his shirt and shimmying out of his sweatpants. This was the point where she should say, what is this. What were they doing. Maybe she didn't need actually need anything definitive, she thought. Coward, she thought.

February 2013. "So this is not a question about the box," Deeks says.

"Thank god," Kensi says. "Are you gonna ask if we're gonna have sex again?"

"Well, I was, but when you say it that way I think the answer is no, and I'm less eager to ask."

"You said we suck at being two people having sex," she says. She almost wishes she hadn't offered him a ride. Which he, of course, took so he could badger her.

"Yeah, but I know you were pretty turned on by how awesome I was tonight." He reaches the soda he made her get him and accidentally brushes her thigh. Except it's very obviously not an accident and he says, "oops" in the most stupid way possible.

"I think you were turned on by not dying and me being awesome," she says. "And Nell not dying."

"Also awesome," he says. "Very awesome." He sips his drink. "Are you drunk? Should I drive?"

"I had a sip. You had way more. And you sound drunk."

"By drunk, you mean adorable." He puts his drink back between their seats. Then he just casually grips her thigh. Just like it's nothing.

"Okay, we can have sex. But you don't ever get to ask about any package I get ever again."

"I am not sure I can live up to that bargain," he says. He doesn't move his hand.

"Were we talking about more than box? Why do you always have to be so, like, do you think if you know enough about me, it will make us safe?" She regrets the words as they come out of her mouth, but at the same time, she is trying to be better with him and for herself. She digs a hole, she thinks, she fills it up.

He squeezes her thigh. She relaxes a little. He says, "I am a detective, you know." He pauses. "Okay, not joking response. I care because you won't tell me. And yeah, I like to know all about you. Despite what you think, you're not a clear transparent sheet I can see right through."

She finally pulls up three blocks from his apartment. They sit in silence for a minute, neither of them moving to get out. "You really are drunk," she says.

"Doesn't mean I'm not down to fuck," he says, laughing.

"We can't make this a habit," she says.

"God, no," he says. "I do not want your angry and festering at me again."

"I wasn't festering. I let my anger fester, or whatever, I didn't say anything to you, and I was mean, and you said apology accepted and. Anyway, nothing on me or any part of me is festering. That is so gross."

"I still want to do you," he says. He leans across and kisses her, his hand in her hair.

She kisses him back and then sits back. "But not in my car. I like your bed better."

"Same," he says, getting out of the car. "Also, I really have to pee."

e. History

October 2012. She took off her shirt and put it down on the back seat. "I really like my car, okay?"

He was already getting naked. "I like your car, too, I just wish I wasn't so tall. There's gonna be some maneuvering," he said, making it a leer.

She was down to just her panties when he turned. He started pulling down the underwear down her legs until they were off. "When we do it not in the back of the car, I am going to do that with my teeth."

She laughed again. She was laughing a lot. But she had been waiting more than months for this to happen. She didn't want to wait at all. He was naked on top of her, kissing her, balanced on his knees like a weak ass version of a plank. She hadn't done push ups on her knees since she was ten. She laughed again.

They were all over each other. She spread her legs and her knees bent. She was drawing parallel lines with her feet down the back of his legs. He was all muscle, no fat.

They both shifted. He pushed inside her. "Boom chicka bow wow," he said, practically a whisper.

Then they were both pretty loud.

They drove to his apartment, him in just his boxers and a badly buttoned button down. Her shirt was unwearable, so she was in only her bra and jeans. "I really hope we don't get pulled over," Deeks said.

February 2013. "Can I tell you again about how I beat Sam," Deeks says. He's sitting on her couch and Monty is roaming her apartment.

"Deeks," she says. "I said I would watch Monty for you. I am very grateful you went to the sniper course with me today. But I can't hear that story for the fifth time today, I just can't."

She sits down next to him on her couch. He says, "I don't get many wins, you know?"

"Yes, you do," she says.

"Not really," he says. He takes her hand. He looks at their hands, intertwined. "I feel like we're having a moment here."

"Yeah," she says. "Which one of us is going to ruin it, you think?"

He laughs. "Well, clearly you."

"We shouldn't have sex," she says.

"You already ruined the moment," he says. "Do you have to heap those dashed hopes on it, too?"

"We talked about this," she says.

"We keep talking about it and still having sex," he says. "I like that, honestly."

"No," she says.

"Okay," he says. "So get off the couch so I can sleep, I have to head out at 3 am."

"You can sleep in the bed with me," she says. "I think we're both adults enough to sleep together. And you're exhausted and I'm exhausted. And this couch is awful to sleep on."

"God, yes," he says.

She doesn't ask him what he's doing. Granger, she assumes. He doesn't want to tell her, or he won't. And she has to be okay with that. They weren't as serious as she thought, they were just on the road to being something serious according to him. She wants to slap herself for the constant going around in circles. She should buy a Cosmo magazine and admit she's being asinine and juvenile.

Or she isn't. Either way, by the time she falls asleep Deeks is spooning her and Monty has taken the entire left side of the bed for himself.

She thinks he wakes her up when he leaves, she thinks he kisses her goodbye. Maybe it was just a good dream.

f. Lohkay

October 2012. They walked out of the bar and she realized he'd fished her keys out of her pocket while they were making out. "I can drive, you know," she said. "Two beers is not enough."

"I know," he said. He was already settling into the driver's side. "But I know where to go and you don't."

"Where to go," she said. She thought about saying how she hoped where to go involved fucking. "Where are we going?"

"Parking," he said.

"Like, parking? We're parking." She wanted to touch her lips, or make him pull over and sit on his lap.

"You feel like parking? I thought you might." His was talking fast.

"By parking do you mean, we park the car and have sex? I'm in favor of that," she said, also talking fast.

"That is my plan. In the back of your car. Do we need to stop?"

"I don't want to stop, do you want to stop?" Now she wasn't even pausing between words.

"No, no stopping. I meant, like, I don't have a condom? Do I need a condom? I'm clean, you haven't had sex in months so I assume you're clean -"

"Okay, okay, wait," she said. He had pulled into a half empty parking lot. He parked the car one aisle away from most of the cars, not under a light. He looked at her with wide eyes. She said, "I had sex three months ago, with that guy, that guy who was very good at having sex. So it's not months -"

"Three months is not months? I didn't want to be overly precise because it comes off as creepy,," he said. "You know, like I'm stalking you. Which I'm not, I just know you and you had four dates so clearly you got to the boom chicka bow wow." He touched her hand. "I feel like this something we've been waiting longer than three months to do, so can we get to it?"

She laughed. "Do you promise to say boom chicka bow wow at least once? Because that is actually all I need. No condom necessary."

He said "yes" very loudly as he started climbing into the back seat.

"Good," she said.

March 2013. They're back at the same bar. and Deeks is leaning in on her waving his beer. "Here's what I want," he says. "Admit you left that memoir out on purpose. You knew I'd read it. You knew, come on. We talked about this."

"Talked about how you never respect my boundaries of things I am keeping private? Oh, you mean that bullshit about the box. Tell you what, baby, you give me a lapdance, I tell you the truth." She puts her beer down on the table they were just sitting at. Now they're standing very very close.

He drinks his beer and belches.

"You are so sexy," she says.

"Damn straight I am," he says. "I am not giving you a lapdance. Because I know what you'll say. You will say you didn't leave it out on purpose. Which may be the truth in your head. But in your lizard brain, your subconscious part, you did leave it out on purpose. You know how I know?"

"Please tell me," she says. She steps even closer.

Deeks holds her at her waist, his fingers slipping under her shirt. "I don't want you to stumble," he says. "Anyway, I know because it wasn't that personal. As an example, you never talked about Jack." He smiles at her and she gets the message, he's saying this nicely, not to make her feel bad about the things he knows she's skipped.

"Where did you strip again?" They are, at this point, cuddling in a very sexual manner while standing up. But the bar is crowded and she is pretty sure no one cares.

"Why do you care? It's not open anymore."

"I just wondered. Most places where men dance are not exactly for women," she says. She smiles up at him.

He laughs. "But this place was. The guy who ran it, he grew up with my dad. Couldn't stand him, he couldn't stand my dad, I mean. I liked Will. He was gay and his club was for gay men, most nights. But he also had ladies nights and he'd let me in then. Gangs moved into the neighborhood, he wouldn't pay up or even deal with them, they burned his club to the ground."

"That sucks," Kensi said.

"Eh, he got the insurance, moved with his boyfriend to Albany, New York. They got married last year. Sent me a lovely picture."

She kisses him, perched on her tippy toes in her sneakers. He says, "You liked that story?"

"Yeah, I did. Tell me another."

He kisses her back then lets her go. "After we have sex."

She rolls her eyes. "We're not doing this."

"Okay," he says. "So can we leave then, I need a cold shower."

"I know," she says.

By the time she drives him to his apartment, she's changed her mind. She says, "Maybe we can have sex. Maybe we're ready to just be."

"Maybe. But we can talk about that after," he says. "Right?"

After, they fall asleep.

g. Wanted

October 2012. Kensi licked her lips. "I can't believe this doesn't suck," she said. She took another bite of her gluten free, sugar free, somehow actually still tasty ginger chocolate chip cookie Deeks had bought her. "And it goes well with beer," she said. She sipped from the bottle in her other hand.

Deeks grinned at her and stepped right up into her personal space. Apparently, he actually liked whatever music was playing at the bar as he was dancing up on her. She backed up slightly and was pressed against the wall. Deeks put his hands on her hips which she meant to complain about. She took another bite of her cookie and sipped her beer as a chaser. "Chaser for your sugar-free rush," Deeks said, leaning very close in.

She thought he couldn't dance very well. She had thought wrong. Kensi had lots of wrong thoughts. She said, "It's sweetened with juice, I'll have you know. Like, natural sugar."

He snorted and said, "That is not a thing. Natural sugar is really just sugar. Cane or beets, that's your options." He was close enough she felt his exhales on her neck. His hands were so warm she could feel him through her jeans.

"Are you giving me a standing lap dance?" She ate another bite of the cookie. She could feel the chocolate left on her lips and tried to find it with her tongue.

He laughed at her and leaned in even closer. They were kissing.

Then they weren't kissing, he said, "Lips like sugar. You like the Cure, right?"

She laughed. She finished her beer and put the empty bottle down somewhere. Then she had a hand free to grab his hair and pull him down for another kiss. He wasn't so much giving her a lapdance standing up now as dry humping against the wall. They were like horny teenagers, she thought. He was hard and she was pressing her thighs together, grinding up against him, eager.

"Do you want some of my cookie?"

He said, "Yes, thank you, and that sounded obscene." He bent slightly and took a bite, nearly missing her fingers.

"Careful," she said. She took the last bite, chewed and swallowed. They went back to kissing.

March 2013. Kensi spends a lot of time feeling stupid. They're back to having sex. In the fall, it was 3, 4 times a week, now it's 2 or 3. She feels like she's retreated from something important but then she can't remember what it is that's so important.

Tonight she feels extra stupid. She'd listened to Sabatino in the library, stupid. She'd never really worried about the kind of things with dating partners he'd brought up. She feels like the two of them have already sort of weathered the break up thing. Sort of. Close enough. She knows he'd never stop caring for her. But now she has that worry running around in her head and she feels like she can't even focus on whatever she should actually worry about.

The really important thing, she thinks, is that nothing happens to him. She shivers and presses the gas. She wants to be home. She wants to stop thinking. It's the big worry lurking under everything, the one the other worries pretend to be. She can't lose him, not ever.

She walks up to her door and there he is. She can't think of what to say.

"So," Deeks says. "You didn't stay long enough for me to answer." He waves a clipboard at her. "We've got this survey to do. By the way, I think Nell and Eric really did try to do it, because she was giving me a look when I asked for it back. A look that said she was not pleased that I possibly tricked her." He has a fast food cup in his other hand. "I got a shake for you, too. I don't think there's a single natural ingredient in this one, but it's green."

"Thanks," she says. "How did you get home before me?"

"You're not the fastest driver," he says.

END.


End file.
